The Trees & My Imagined Response to the TSA Agent in Rochester, NY

First, there's this. A 62 y/o grown man went to Toomer's Corner and poisoned Oak Trees that have been alive for over 130 years, all because he was an Alabama fan and was tired of seeing Auburn fans celebrate football victories by throwing toilet paper over the trees. Now his family is receiving death threats from Auburn fans.

Huh?

This doesn't really deserve comment, other than that people here in the South need to relax. Like, for real. Trees? C'mon, man.


Despite my sentiment to the above, there was an incident in Rochester, NY recently regarding football in Alabama that deserves an imagined response. You know how these things go. You're confronted with a situation and you react one way, and then think about it later on and imagine all the better things you could have said that would have been so much better than the way you did. The French have a saying for it, but I don't remember what it is.

Anyway, TSA agents decided to do an additional random id check at the gate before we got on the plane. Since I was flying standby, I was the last person on the plane. I handed him my licesnse, he looks at it, and as he hands it back to me, he says,

"Roll Tide"

I scrunch up my face, take my license back, and say, "War Eagle, dude! F... your Roll Tide." And I walk down the galleyway to the plane, looking back over my shoulder and giving him a face of disgust.

I don't think he had any idea what I was referring to, because he was looking at me oddly, not really knowing how to respond. But here's what I should have said:

"Look, man. I realize you watched the ESPN commercial, where they all say "Roll Tide" and all that. And right now, because I have a license from Alabama, you think it would be cute to say it, hoping I'd give you a "Roll Tide" right back at you. Right? Yeah, that would be cool, wouldn't it."

"But that's not the way it works, see."

"Did you look at my license? Did you notice in which town I live?"

"I live in Auburn, home to Auburn University, the unmitigated rivals to University of Alabama, whose fan base is made up by people (rednecks, mainly) who never even went to the school. They are like Yankee fans, insufferable and uneducated, who lay claim to national titles that didn't even exist."

"Do you even know what I am talking about? Did you even know Auburn was in Alabama?"

"You're saying "Roll Tide" to me is like me taking your license, seeing you're from New York, paying no attention to which town you even live in, and saying, 'Go Islanders!'"

"It's wrong, exposes your ignorance, and makes you look foolish."

"Don't do it again."